We do have the most exacting low standards and will not accept just anybody. We recently, for example, had to reject Neil French on the grounds that he firmly believes you just can't have too much copy. "Neil," we had to tell him, "just go away."
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and sometimes you have to be cruel to be cruel, just for the sheer fun of it.
Anyway, first off, you really must join the Really Creative Creative Directors Club of Singapore. This is the largest organisation in Asia-Pacific for all those who have not only failed to enthuse convincingly - or even half-heartedly – about long copy and exquisite art direction, but also, probably, have very old job bags propping up their wobbly desks.
The Club, founded at some time or other but no one can say when exactly as we forgot to do a timing plan - oops - operates under the slogan: 'Nature abhors a vacuum and so do we, so what’s the point of suits?'
Minutes from the last AGM are, naturally, available on request, but only after they have been lost, found, lost, found, lost and then found again at the bottom of the filing cabinet under the small brown furry thing that may once have been a plum but then again could equally be one of those ridiculous furry decorations for the top of a pencil. Who is to tell?
Obviously the Club expects members to uphold the extremely low standards at all times. Anyone nearly up-to-date with their timesheets will have to explain themselves in full, while anyone totally up-to-date will be automatically expelled.
Anyone who hasn't touched a timesheet in years will be awarded free life membership, naturally.
Ditto anyone who puts a client’s photo in an ad, both when pressed for time and when not, and who dresses for a presentation by turning their T-shirt over to its 'fresh' side.
The Club has this to say about briefs: file, file, file, then throw away when nobody is looking.
We also suggest never questioning the fact there is an Action Man in your stationery drawer, as well as an indecent plastic swizzle stick, some small change (amounting to 87 cents), a book on houseplants and three Fox's Glacier Fruits. To question can only lead to madness.
The Club has this to say about memos: put aside for further perusal, then throw away when nobody is looking.
The Club suggests never, ever, going right to the bottom of the in-tray, as anything could be living down there. In fact, we fully endorse looking at the in-tray, sighing dispiritedly, and looking away again.
We expect all members to have all of the following items at the back of at least one office cupboard: a corkscrew; an ancient pot of dried up pens; a spilling box of decade old paperclips; and several bottles of wine (all red).
Also; any number of exotic herbal teas with tempting names like Mango Carnival and Tropical Fiesta but which no one drinks because they taste of pond; and sticky jars of stuff that can no longer be identified and have bits of moth wing stuck to their sides.
The Club has this to say about rejected concepts: decant carefully into job bag, place in desk, leave for a week, then throw out when nobody is looking. Alternatively, place in archive, leave for a decade, then throw out when nobody is looking.
Never throw away today anything that you can keep and then throw away at a later date. We will be very disappointed in anyone who does otherwise.
On the whole, we do not advise leaving suits to do the creative work, as it will only mean having to do it again, but we do accept such things can happen. We also accept such things can happen quite a lot.
We strongly advise never turning up for a briefing on time, as the shock can lead to diarrhoea and vomiting in Account Executives.
Should a concept be binned in an internal WIP, it is important to blow on it a bit and change the background colour before re-presenting, preferably when nobody is looking. It is perfectly acceptable to start something and not finish it, unless it is a bottle of gin.
The Club also has this to say to anyone who is about 19 years behind with their timesheets: gather them all up and throw them away while nobody is looking.
Alternatively, you can flush them down the loo, along with the office goldfish whose bowl was used as an ashtray but died of natural causes all the same.
I do hope you have enjoyed this short introduction to the Really Creative Creative Directors Club of Singapore. Membership rates are reasonable. Simply send a cheque, which we will either lose or spill coffee on or the art directors will draw all over, and which will therefore never be cashed. You can't get more reasonable than that.
Once a member, we hope you will defend the Really Creative Creative Director ethos or whatever we eventually decide to call it.
Some people say that the trouble with Really Creative Creative Directors is that they are lazy and just sit around all day reading Hello! and catching up on Corrie on the internet, whereas nothing could be further from the truth.
Really Creative Creative Directors work really, really hard. It's just that so much of what they do happens when nobody is looking...Henry Adams
Rapp Collins (Singapore)